I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
