Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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