So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
