I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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