I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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