Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Randomize
