I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize