Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
