nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
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