coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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