i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
