we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
