Christians are straight up FREAKS
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
