I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
