She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
