Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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