Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
