I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
how drunk are you?
Several
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
