i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
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