So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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