I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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