A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
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