Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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