You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
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