They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
