New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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