I accidentally burped into my bong.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
