I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
