I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
