sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Naked. naked and bneed help.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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