if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
