chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
