I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
