We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
