My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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