my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
