I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
