We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
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