Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
The power of my boobs compel you
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
