i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
