First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
