I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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