I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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