Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
