new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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