I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Randomize
