i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
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