I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
