oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
