Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Randomize