Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
She's just so happy...and so naked.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
