Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
