and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
