Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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