My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
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