my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
