Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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