I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
i've created a new STD.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
