It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
