My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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