I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Farmville is her only friend.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
