I wish I could teleport
you're drinking in the law library????
...not a bad idea....
probably not a good idea either.
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
