So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize