and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
