there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
God, I missed his penis.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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